You Are Beautiful

I didn't really want to talk about this in my blog, but I felt like I needed to, so I hope someone who's reading this hears what they need to hear. I never thought I would ever talk about this in my blog, but I think it’s something a lot of people struggle with, particularly teenage girls. I see it around me all the time and it breaks my heart.  I hope that by sharing some of my journey to self-acceptance, some other people can find the strength within themselves to love themselves as they are :)

In middle school and high school I struggled a lot with my self-esteem. I was unhappy with my body and I wore coats EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it was 80 degrees outside I would slip on a jacket and sweat it out. Everyone always asked me why I was so cold, but truth is that I wore coats because I didn’t want to show my tummy. THAT TUMMY HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! I’m not kidding. It was flat. Flat as a pancake. By my sophomore year maybe there was a microscopic pooch, but that was no reason to wear a jacket every day!

This was in July, the summer before my Junior year:

I’m wearing a hoodie at the beach, sleeves rolled up, when it would obviously be more comfortable to just wear a t-shirt. Crazy girl!

I’d often complain about being “chubby” and “ugly”, fishing for compliments. 

Okay, maybe I never went THAT far...

I wanted other people to compensate for the dislike that I had for myself and my body. But the responses of, "No you're not!" didn't make me feel any better. They didn’t make me love myself any more. And it should have been obvious that calling myself fat and ugly would NOT help improve my self-esteem.

The fact that by the end of high school I could count on one hand the number of dates I'd been on didn't help much either. But that was partially my fault. I was very quiet and shy, and the complaining about my body was an absolute no-no. I'm telling you! BOYS DON'T LIKE COMPLAINERS. They find it annoying and kind of awkward when a girl complains about being fat and ugly! I'm gonna go anti-Nike right now and tell you... JUST DON'T DO IT.

And if you do, I'll be watching you from on high with this expression:

Another thing I was self-conscious about was my glasses. I was absolutely HORRIFIED when I found out I had to wear my glasses for 2 months straight during my sophomore year in high school. I had ulcers starting to form in my eyes, so I couldn’t wear contacts so that my eyes could heal. Truth is, I didn’t look bad in my glasses. I was just being a stupid, vain teenage girl. Good for me, I cared enough about my vision to stop wearing contacts, but whenever I didn’t need them (especially at school or for pictures), I’d take off my glasses.

Ehem, and may I say, I actually look cute in glasses! I was just being ridiculous thinking people wouldn't associate with me because I wore glasses. 
Here's a picture from an earlier post:

D'awww I'm a cute little nerd!

The biggest thing I've had problems with (and still do) is make-up. I NEVER go out without putting make-up on. Make-up has been a crux for me starting in middle school. In high school during swim season I would wake up 15 minutes earlier than I had to (5:15 am) so that I could put make-up on, even though I would just be getting into a pool 20 minutes later to wash it all off. 

Oh how my heart pains me… That was a total of 15 minutes 5 days a week for 12 months of swim team. That's about 90 hours more of sleep I could have gotten during those 3 years! (Don't check that math haha...) Who knows what that amount of beauty sleep could have done for me! Seriously... I'm kicking myself for not sleeping more! High school Chanel did not think things through!

Something that I think was a major impact on my poor self-image was something that happened to me in the past. After telling one of my best friends about it, I had a lot of time to reflect. I like to view people based on who they are now and what they’re doing in the present. I don’t judge others based on what’s happened to them or what they’ve done in the past. If they’re a good person now, that’s all that matters to me. So why shouldn’t I see myself the same? I'm perfectly good the way I currently am!

And guess what? That view should extend to outer appearances too. I like to compliment other girls on their outfits, hair, smile, and tell them that they're pretty alllll the time! (Sorry guys, I’d tell you how pretty you are too, but sometimes guys take it the wrong way… hahaha). I even compliment people I've never met before! If I sit next to a girl in class and notice her cute hair or beautiful eyes, I like to say something! And if I don’t say it out loud, I’m definitely thinking it. So if I've met you before, you can guarantee I've complimented you in my head :)

So since I can compliment other people that I don't even know, I should be able to compliment myself, too! That's only logical, right?

Something I really like to compliment people on is their eyes. I love eyes. I know this sounds cliché, but people’s personalities really do show through their eyes. There is not a single person that I’ve met who has had ugly eyes. Brown, blue, green, hazel, gray… You name it! I think they’re all so pretty. Some may be sad, but boy are those sad eyes lovely. Eyes just show so much emotion! They're so amazing!!

Two weeks ago at the temple, two temple workers complimented me on my eyes. One even said, “Your husband must LOVE your beautiful blue eyes!”

Obviously I don’t have a husband (at least to my knowledge…), but I want whoever I marry to love me for my beautiful eyes that show my cute and happy personality!

After the realization that I'm okay to be content with myself, I started to change. My motivation to work out wasn’t to be skinny so that some guy I liked would be happy with my body, but rather that I was healthy and strong. I also started going out only wearing mascara, which I haven’t done since middle school. Jeez my face felt naked, but it was liberating! I started doing things for myself to make ME happy, not other people.

When my friend Alec came and visited me this past semester at BYU after he got off his mission, he told me, “Chanel, you look really good! You seem a lot more confident.” Holy cow, I don’t think you can imagine how happy that made me to hear!

When I look back on the past 6 years that he's known me, I can see how my self-esteem has gradually improved, with a spike once I got to college. Having good friends, having my first kiss, and getting my first boyfriend helped, but I think the thing that helped the most was being able to start over and not be the painfully shy girl that I used to be. At first I was shy, but after a couple months I was able to break out of my shell and made lots of friends who loved me for who I was.

Get yourself out there! That's how you make new friends. Lots of people find shy people intimidating, so flash your gorgeous smile and make eye contact, even if it's really hard for you to do. People will smile back at you and may strike up a conversation. Then voila, you can have yourself a new friend! :)

I don't think I can emphasize enough the importance of the choice of friends. Choose friends who build you up and help you improve yourself. Your friends and family are your support system in life. You can't choose your family, but choosing friends is completely your responsibility. Find friends who love you as you are!

But the most important thing is that YOU are able to love yourself as you are. No matter how much your friends love you, that won't compensate if you don't have self-love.

I saw something that I just LOVED a few days ago. I used to be a big book worm, so I appreciated it a lot. It said something along the lines of: If you ever feel bad about yourself, remember that if you were a fictional character, people would love you for all your flaws, quirks, and mannerisms that you hate. Thinking about that just makes me feel a whole ton better that I'm not perfect! Others love you for being YOU, despite all your faults and flaws. You are wonderful and don't let negative thoughts get the best of you! Low self-esteem is completely in the mind, and you don't need to listen to it! And if there's something that you absolutely can't stand about yourself that you can change, go ahead and change it! Change can be a good thing :)

Sure, I weigh more now than I did my freshman year in high school. But you know what? That’s okay. My body isn't built to be stick thin. My thighs may touch, but these thighs are made of steel! Yeah, I may have a tummy pooch. But that’s okay, that makes more of me for loving :) I might be able to give myself 3 or 4 chins if I try hard enough (I could show you a picture of that last one, but I can guarantee that if you do some searching on Facebook you'll be awarded with some even better hilarious pictures). Giving yourself 4 chins is a talent that not everyone can do! (Honestly it's kind of painful though hahaha). And yeah, I can count the number of dates I've been on on 2 hands, which is a little disheartening for a girl who's been at BYU for a year and a half, but BOYS DO NOT DEFINE ME. (And truthfully I don't like dates all that much anyway... There's too much pressure!) I'm the one who defines myself. I decide my self-worth. And let me tell you, I'm worth a whole lot!

Just because I've discovered this, it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying. I’m not going to let myself become obese and look like an icky 40-year-old man. Appearances matter in our society, being morbidly obese is unhealthy, and who wants to be a smelly hobo all the time anyway? (But I do endorse several days out of the year to be a smelly hobo. Let’s be honest, sometimes we need those days…). And looking pretty is fun! I know I love dressing up and going out sometimes, just for the heck of it! Turn some heads with that winged liner of yours! Work it, girl. Work it.

I still struggle with my self-image, but I think this change in perspective has brought me a lot closer to accepting all my insecurities, physical and non-physical alike. I am who I am, and I’m learning to be happy with the things I can’t change about myself. I’m a beautiful daughter of God!

Ladies and Gentlemen, never forget… YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You are incredible, you have wonderful abilities, and you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Oh, and I love your eyes :)

586 Days Left! :)

Video Games & Phone Calls Aren't My Forte

It was my sister’s birthday on Friday! She turned 25. A quarter of a century old. That is DANG OLD. Relatively speaking, of course :) It was a lot of fun! And we ate the best cheesecake I've ever stuck in my mouth! Olive Garden's raspberry cheesecake. Never tasted it? Put it on your bucket list. IT IS TO DIE FOOOOR! 

Saturday night I spent the night at Brooke and Anthony’s house. We played N64!! It’s been a looooong time. I did absolutely terrible at Mario Kart… BUT I DOMINATED AT SUPER SMASH BROS! Kind of. I won one round with Kirby. But that's pretty good for me!

Honestly, I’m so bad at video games... Like I never beat Zelda or Pokemon. I would always get distracted and just want to play around even though I had this huge destiny I was supposed to fulfill! In Zelda I would just ride Epona everywhere and play the Ocarina and travel to different places just cuz I liked hearing the music hahaha. We should all be glad that I don't have the destiny to save the world, because I'd definitely be quite the distracted savior...

But c'mon, riding a horse and playing an ocarina is lot more fun and a whole lot less scary than trying to find some ugly, troll-looking, freaky guy named Ganondorf (*cough* Ganondork *cough*) and defeating him...

It's not that I don't like to play video games. I like them a lot! But there’s a reason I was always Player 2 growing up… I'm plain terrible at them. I always just watched my brothers play on the N64 and XBOX. Yup, I was THAT bad. I don't really know if it's that I don't have the hand coordination or what... But watching is what I'm good at haha :) But I honestly don't mind watching people play video games!

I've only beat 2 video games in my entire life: Kingdom Hearts and Fable 2. I have a pretty short attention span with video games, so I get bored with them and stop... But have you played Candy Crush!? HOLY COW that game is dang addictive! Despite it being basically the same thing over and over, I still haven't gotten bored with it! It's incredible... I think it's gotta be because the game has to do with dessert hahaha. 

Now that you have this background on my history with video games, I'm sure you can understand why I reacted like this when my sister asked me play Call of Duty with her yesterday night.

I haven’t even seen that game for 3 years. My junior year in high school my guy friends would play Call of Duty whenever we hung out, and I would just watch. Oh gosh, I don’t think you can fathom how bad I am at games like that... They tried to make me play a couple times, and let's just say it didn't turn out well... I kinda just sat there like this:

Anyway, Brooke was being serious, so she made me play because she gets too scared when she has to play by herself (which I completely understand, hence me playing with her). I actually didn’t do too terrible! ... Well, besides all the accidental grenade-throwing and missing most of the time when I tried to shoot the enemy. Pretty much, every time I saw the enemy I would start chanting "Die, die, die!" while pressing all these buttons, shooting the gun every which way, somehow missing... 

The first round I got 2 kills (and died like 12 times… oops)… Aaaaand my stats just went down from each game from there... I'd rather not talk about it...

So if you ever want to play a video game with me, you'd probably just be better off to ask me if I want to watch. If you really want me to play, I will, but don't go looking to be impressed... Cuz you definitely won't be! Hahaha :)

Anyway, change of topic! I found out from the Elders in my ward that we actually have sisters in the area now!!! It’s the first time since ever!! So I got the sisters’ phone number and I’m planning to call them soon to see if there’s something I can do with them. The Elders said they’re really great, so I’m excited! :)

The problem is I get pretty bad anxiety when I talk on the phone. I always have to rehearse in my head like 10 times beforehand what I'm gonna say when I'm gonna make a phone call. And even then I mess up...

The anxiety extends to when I receive phone calls, too. If I don't recognize the number or figure I can get away with making the person leaving a voicemail, you bet your socks I'll do it!

Except I never do that with mom's phone calls. Everyone knows never to ignore a mother's phone call! But even when I’m on the phone with my mom I get all awkward. Or I start acting weird. I mean, being weird is a pretty common thing with me, as I'm sure you're well aware of now, but this weirdness is caused my phone-anxiety. I try to sound normal when I answer the phone, but it ends up sounding like:

Basically, I'm hopeless when it comes to talking on the phone. So I guess I'm just forewarning you that if you call me on the phone, I'll probably be freaking out and debating on if it's worth the mental stress to talk to you. I’m MUCH better face-to-face. Or just text me! I'm a lot more witty over text anyway ;)

GOTCHA!!! Just kidding... I get awkward or weird no matter what mode of communication you contact me in. Even if you wave to me from far away you'll get a weird reaction...

But I promise you, it'll be a lot more pleasurable for both of us if you choose to talk to me any other way than by phone call :) Uh, anyway, we'll see when I actually get to calling the sister missionaries... Let's hope it's sooner rather than later!

I have a quick funny story for you! So last night before playing Call of Duty, I was on Pinterest when I saw this little bugger:

I was cracking up when I saw it! And then I showed it to my sister. Because of this, for the following twenty minutes EVERY SINGLE THING we said was like this:

"This hair is so hair."

"That leaf is so leaf."

"The moon is so moon."

TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES.

I ended up getting the hiccups... It's been a while since I've gotten them too! My hiccups are pretty embarrassing. They're fairly loud, and I've been told they sound like a chicken or a piglet... Good to know my hiccups sound like farm animals! Hahaha... 

Oh gosh, sometimes I wonder how in the heck I have people who associate with me... Good thing my family's stuck with me, so they have to love me! ;) Anyway, I'm so glad I have a sister who will do silly dumb stuff like that with me :) Do I have the coolest sister or what?!

Gahhh, I can't believe it! I’m reporting in 3 weeks… I’m so terrified. My mind has been so scattered and I keep wondering if I can actually do this. I was so preoccupied this past weekend that I forgot to write Elder Gibby AGAIN.

WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP CHANEL! I have some serious issues, I know!!! 

So Monday morning while I was showering, it dawned on me that I hadn’t written Elder Gibby an e-mail, so I jumped out of the shower, kind of did a hop-skip thing into my room, opened my laptop and started typing like a madman trying to get a decent e-mail out of my fingers. Lucky for me I was off the hook! He didn’t write me til the afternoon, THANK GOODNESS :)

I swear the days are just flying by, so I’m losing track and I HATE IT. I wish I could slow time down a little bit...

592 Days Left! :)
And a little celebration with the Aristocats because this is my 50th blog post! Woohoooo!

THE TWIN I NEVER MET

Uh...

Sooo… It’s, uh, been a while!

I know I said I was going to take a week off for finals… But obviously that kind of became a three-week break. And I debated on letting it become four weeks… But then I figured that was pretty bad. But three weeks… Jeez that’s a lot of events… So prepare yourself for a bunch of random stuff!

Well finals went well! My grades all turned out great, so I’m leaving my GPA at a very comfortable number before leaving for my mission! Haha :) We’ll just have to see if I can keep that up after my mission...

Things have been great since coming home! Actually getting home was a little bit of an adventure. My flight got delayed 5 hours so my flight didn’t take off til 12:15 in the morning, and I got home at 2:30 am with the time change. I was soooo tired.

Holy cow, I forgot how rambunctious my family is. For example, my mom threw an orange at me for not unpacking fast enough, my sister and I act like complete weirdos (especially when we dance or do weird laughs), my brother Adam has been teasing me non-stop… And don’t even get me started on what it’s been like with my friends here in Oregon. Two people in particular ;) Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been so loud and obnoxious in my life! Hahaha. It's been a party here at home!

The past two weeks were insanely crazy because my cousins and aunt came to visit for Christmas Break. I swear we watched so many movies and went out more than I did in the past four months… Well I gotta be honest, whenever I was getting ready to go out in Provo, it usually ended up like this:

The stuff we did was really fun though! We went to a new nickel arcade in the area which was fun! Except that I’m super bad at arcade games haha. If you've ever seen me play video games... Yeah, I'm just plain bad at those too. Then on New Year’s Day we went to Canon Beach and walked around there. I was glad I got to go to the beach one last time before leaving for my mission :)

OH MY GOSH! EXCITING NEWS! New Year’s Eve I received my endowment with my sister and brother-in-law! It was so great to go through the temple together for the first time. Then I got to see them sealed for time and all eternity! I’m so happy!!! :) :)

Also since coming home, I've spent a lot of time with my best friend from high school, Lori!! It was really great to see her again. I spent New Year’s with her. It was really fun! We found old videos we made our freshman and sophomore years in high school… Holy crap those were painful and embarrassing to watch hahahaha. Dance videos, a rendition of America's Next Top Model, How To Be Gangsta... Oh my gosh. Some of them were pretty funny though, so I was cracking up! A good start to the new year, I’d say :)

Okay I have a cool story for you!

So I have a friend from high school who's serving in Madagascar. He left on his mission about a year and a half ago, and while he was in the MTC I wrote him about 4 Dear Elders. Thennn I wrote him a couple e-mails in May to see how he was, sent him a few Dear Elders in August telling him I was going on a mission and said I'd tell him when I got my call. Aaaand I never wrote him. I thought about it, but I just never got around to it. I'm quite the terrible person when it comes to writing missionaries. I don't know what it is, but I'm just bad at it! Ask any missionary I've ever known, besides Elder Gibby hahaha.

So anyway, this missionary sent me an e-mail on my mission e-mail, which was the following:

"If this happens to be Chanel Lawson, sister to Adam Lawson (the Ridiculous), please let me know. Otherwise, delete this message."

I replied to it, apologizing and telling him that I had received my mission call four months prior...

He told me the whole reason he tried e-mailing me on my mission e-mail is because he thought I might already be on my mission, because the girlfriend of a missionary he lived with left for her mission to England. He was looking through some pictures that she had sent, and as Elder Arrington walked by, he swore the girl's companion looked JUST like me. Whaaaat? :D

But obviously it can't be me, since I'm not in England right now... But I have a doppleganger!! YESSS! THAT'S SO AWESOME! I always wanted one of those! It's either that, or that I have a twin that my parents never told me about! Either way, now I just have to find out this super cool sister missionary's name and meet her one day!! :D

Anyway, going back to talking about being terrible at writing missionaries... something awful happened last week. So I was busy literally ALL Sunday. I went to two wards, went a to church with my friend in downtown Portland, then came home and spent the night at her house. Then Monday morning I checked my e-mail at 10, and I saw a couple e-mails from Elder Gibby. It hit me that I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WRITE HIM! 

I couldn’t believe myself. And it was worse cuz it wasn’t just any other week. IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY!!! I hadn’t forgotten his birthday was coming up, but just forgot to write the dang e-mail. Gahhh I felt AWFUL!! I felt like I was the worst person to walk the Earth!

I wrote him back right away with about a paragraph-long e-mail apologizing and wishing him a happy birthday and telling him that I was receiving my endowment the next day. He got to get on his e-mail later that day and replied, which made me feel a lot better. He said he wasn’t too worried but wanted to make sure everything was okay. So I guess I technically haven’t missed a week e-mailing him! But that was still a close call. Jeez louis hahaha.

Elder Gibby loved his birthday present! Especially the light sabers! I was sooo happy I found those for him! hahaha :) I knew he’d like them! He said he’s already had a few battles and sent a picture of him winning a battle against his companion. Star Wars dorkiness at its finest! Hehehe :)

By the way, Elder Gibby is now is a Zone Leader! My brother told me once you’re a ZL, you’re basically gonna be one for the rest of your mission except for the last few transfers… Which means Elder Gibby has a long road ahead of him! I’m sure he’s going to do absolutely fantastic though :)

Man, it’s crazy that I only have a month left til I leave for my mission!! I’m starting to get really nervous. I feel so unprepared!! I need to get on studying and everything! And I haven’t spoken Spanish in months either… Oh goodness this could be bad haha...

600 Days Left! :)

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